Father's Love

Father’s Love

One of my main goals in life is to learn how to love like Father. When I stand before Him one day and He asks me, "Cindi, did you learn to love?" I want to say, "Yes Father, I did."  I don't know about you, but this has been no easy goal. 

We will often be challenged in the area of love and at different levels for our entire lives. It is easy for me to love my enemies when I am not challenged there. I was not personally effected when the twin towers came down in New York City. Those that were deeply effected by that tragic day, have a different level of love to maintain when it comes to their enemies, than I do.

Yet I am challenged in area's of keeping my love on as much as anyone else. There are times I want to retreat to fear and throw in the towel with some people.

 If you are not challenged to love people you are probably not much of a threat to the devil. 

The Fathers heart is to always love no matter the situation. I am reminded of the Father's love in a story that Jesus told in the bible. Many of us are familiar with this story. We call it the "Prodigal Son" story.  Over the years I have come to believe it is more about the "Father's Heart" than that of a couple of brothers. 

I think Jesus was trying to show us something about the Father's heart. I believe it is a story revealing His love and true nature. 

Love is better spoken unsaid and done,
 than undone and said. 

I grew up hearing many sermons over the years about the prodigal son. I actually remember as a young teen feeling angry at him.  I judged the one who left as a total jerk. I felt sorry for the one who stayed and worked the fields, unfortunately I related more to him.  I had developed his mindset more as I grew into adulthood.

 The kid who left and spent all of his wealth didn't really deserve a party when He got home. I was somehow offended at the Father unconditional love.  

I don’t know if you can relate to this way of thinking but that was the way I saw it. My law based mindset was apparent even at that age. 

  Later in life I came to realize that this story had more to do with the daddy than with the sons. It is such a beautiful story of Father, His grace and love towards us. 

I think if we are law based thinkers we fall on one side or the other. We are either the guy who left home, because he couldn't see how good he had it, so he squandered all his inheritance. Or we are the guy who stayed home, earning everything, never seeing how good he had it either.  

Both needed to fall on the softness of their Father. They both had a identity crisis. Whether we trust in our own works to earn love, or feel like we are worthless and don't deserve love we are still thinking out of an orphan's heart.

We all need to fall on the soft blanket 
of  God's grace.

  I think Father tells this story through Jesus to show us the ugly in our thinking.  If you have a ugly view of Father, when you finally own it, then you can change. I have had to come to terms with my view of Father towards me. When I realized His love for me was really unconditional no matter if I performed or not. My heart was so amazed and overwhelmed with His love. The more I absorb of Father's love the more I can give away.

I actually wrote this poem a few years before I had a real revelation of Father's heart towards me. When I read it I am amazed at how He let me have a sneak peek into His thinking.

His love remains unchanging, everlasting and steadfast, whether we are at home or have run away. What an amazing daddy we have. 

The Prodigal

The dusty road was empty, as it was the day before.

As the sunset brought a stillness, I stood quietly at the door.

Yesterday I heard you laugh, as it rang throughout the room

Now it echoes in the silence, and the house feels like a tomb.

You said that you were leaving, that the world could offer more

“Give me my inheritance!” and with that you closed the door.

I watched you go in silence, as the tears flowed down My face

My heart was broken into pieces, you threw away My love and grace.

So the morning comes with mercy, and the night is spent in tears

As I’m watching and I’m waiting and the days turn into years.

In the distance there’s a rumble, it’s the coming of a storm

 Often I can’t help but wonder, if you’re sheltered, safe and warm.

Yet I hold onto this promise, someday you’ll return to Me

the dusty road you left upon, will bring you back, I pray, safely.

You’ll be walking down the pathway, where you’ve walked oft’ times before

And I listen for your footsteps once again outside the door.

In My heart I hold this vision, yes, for Me it is the key

Until the day I hear your laughter and I know you’re home with Me.

Copyright 1998 Cindi Diane Markham

Religious People

The more I understand emotional “triggers” the more I see that they show up in the most inconvenient times of your life. Lately I have been "triggered" with religious people. Learning about triggers and what causes them, I decided to sit down with Father and have a discussion about my heart and why they bother me so? This blog was the result of our conversation.

Growing up in a strict religious system as a child wasn't fun. We had so many rules to obey in order to be accepted not only by the church, but somehow we thought by God. We weren't allowed to do many things, wear certain clothes, or  be with certain people all in the name of "religion." As a little girl in grade school, so many times I felt singled out and different from all the other kids. The list of rules grew over time as I got older, and they never made me feel better about myself, I felt like a weirdo. 

At the age of ten my daddy became a licensed minister, so now I was a "preacher's kid" which just increased the level of scrutiny from people, especially church people. The rules were in place when I was a small child, but effected me far worse as I was going into middle school.

Middle school is hard enough without feeling like you stick out like a sore thumb. The fact that I couldn't wear pants of any kind, makeup, or be involved in after school activities was devastating to the self esteem of a young girl.  I wanted to feel beautiful, accepted and included, yet I didn't for so many years.

Since I couldn't wear makeup I would pinch my cheeks to make them pink.  I remember one time I pinched them too hard and it left bruises on them for days. That kind of ruined the look needless to say.  I remember curling my eyes lashes so hard to make them look longer because I couldn't wear mascara. One time my curler slipped and out came a clump of lashes, another look ruined for weeks. Uggh  

As I came into my early teens I was allowed to wear clear nail polish only. This was fun, but I longed for pretty colors. My girlfriends wore pink and red. I loved that!

About the age of  twelve I bought a bottle of nail polish that had a look of white pearls. Hey, It was almost clear, that should be ok, right? NO!  One day after church my mom said to me, “Cindi, you have to remove your nail polish.”  I exclaimed "WHY?" She told me that it offended a family in our church. They had two daughters that were close to my age and they didn't want me to influence their daughters in a "negative" way. With regret I went to find the remover.

As I was removing the polish, I felt anger rise up on the inside of me, not only towards that family but towards the stupid rules! I knew in my heart God liked my nail polish! 

Recently Father showed me as I was wiping the nail polish off that day, I smeared a film of judgments and un-forgiveness upon my heart. This continued on for years in my life, as I was under the scrutiny of religious people. I remember feeling the sting of the words "You should be ashamed of yourself!" from a minister whose church I once attended.  I looked at her, asking why?  She referred to the jeans I was wearing.  I also remember my family being angry that I had pierced my ears.  These were memories where God showed me, I had built a house of judgment against religious people and the system. Since then He has been tearing down those walls and building a new home of compassion within me.

I never had much compassion for people who were religious. Take for example Westboro Baptist Church, they would just make me want to reach through the computer or the T.V. and slap the high and mighty right off of them. They are some of the most fearful people I have ever seen in my life. People say they are filled with hate, but I disagree. I say they are filled with fear.  Perfect love casts out fear. Now all I see is fear behind their fits of judgments. What bondage they must be in, think about it? 

Religion will cause you to measure everyone by your yardstick. It is a yardstick that you measure yourself with also.  It makes you so fearful of people who think differently than you. It will cause you to shut your heart down to listen to anything but what you declare is truth. Jesus was standing right in front of the religious leaders and they couldn't see Him. They were so blind. Religion blinds the hearts of people and causes them to shut people out from the heart of God. 

It says, "If you don't believe my way, then you are wrong and scary. I have to protect myself from you." Jesus never did this, He never hid from religious people they hid from Him. Jesus ate with sinners and those that had a open heart to hear. 

Now I am not on a mission to demonize all religious people, I used to have a measure of that also. What you allow in your heart through un-forgiveness and judgments will cause you to repeat the same sin. Roman 2:1 I preached out of a law based, performance driven mindset in past years and have since repented of that mindset.  I am so grateful for the true message of the gospel, penetrating my heart a few years ago as I started to understand God's grace.  It began to destroy the religious mindset in me. Thank God for His grace and un-conditional love which has been setting me free, I am on a journey to wholeness.

I have a relationship with Father not based on my performance, but based upon His acceptance of me through the sacrifice of His Son. I could never be good enough, or earn favor from Father, it is given freely from His heart.  Jesus said, come...everyone come. All the weary, broken, heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Rest from what? Rest from performance. He was talking to all even the religious. 

The reason Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees and the Sadducee's is because they took pride in their performance. They belittled and found fault with others. Why? Well we know that whenever you bring someone low, you are trying to exalt yourself. 

Jesus had to show them how far from Father they were, that is why He told it to them straight.  Yet, I believe He had such a heart of compassion even in that. He sat on the hillside and wept over Jerusalem knowing that destruction was coming to the city and their religious system. He never had a attitude of vengeance against them, even though they wanted Him dead.

I know I struggled in my heart for years with religious thinkers I never liked them. Father begin to show me why. I had never felt an ounce of compassion for them until just recently. Today I cry tears over their brokenness. They are as broken as any lost sheep. We all point at the prodigal son and judged the way he lived, but the brother that stayed at home was just as broken.  Religious people are lost from knowing the heart of Father. 

I realized a while ago, I was holding the same rocks in my hands towards them as they held towards me. As I released the places in my heart that were wounded from old experiences I found compassion and a new love for self righteous people.

 I am on a path to discover the places in my own heart that are broken and have caused me to walk in fear.  On this journey called life, I want to discover the unconditional love of Father for me. 

Jesus gave all of us a new commandment, that was to love each other as Father loves us.  I will be on a this mission until the day I die discovering His love towards me and in that I will be really free to love others. So someday when I see Father face to face, and He asks me, "Did you learn to love?" I want my answer to me. "Yes, Father I did."